...and on the news today; God releases a video tape preaching the new 10 commandments, we go live to our religious affairs correspondent Robert Piggott who's outside the pearly gates right now. Robert, can you tell me what was said in this tape exactly please?

-Certainly, the unpredicted videotape today, shows God, wearing an Iranian turban, surrounded by armed extremists, announcing the new 10 commandments. In the background syringes and empty beer cans lie on the floor. The FBI have issued a statement revealing precisley what God or "G-dog" as he now want's to be known as, has said.

"Peace dudes, whassup? 'Aint heard from me in a while? Yeah I'm back and i'm mighty pissed! I been busy and all on a side-project called "Hell". Don't worry, you'll all know about it soon enough. Anyway cutting the crap, i'm here to issue new rules and regulations for you suckers to live by.
Numero Uno! All you guys have gotta quit sucking up to me each week at church. Seriously guys, it's flattering and all, but I find it kinda scary, y'know?
The second rule.  Quit getting rich off my name, cut the crap about Easter, and Christmas,  etc.(How the hell do you link my son being resserected to fucking bunnies giving out fucking chocolate eggs?!) You're just using it to sell shit, quit it!! It happened a long time ago, move on!
Getting onto number three now. Sack every single priest. A bunch of old kiddy fiddlers is really screwing up my reputation, ok? They can all get jobs somewhere else, I hear teaching has a lot of vacancies?
Fourthly. Stop relying on that god-damn bible to win your arguements. I had no part in writing that crock of shit, and it reflects me in no way. Scrap the bible and open your damn minds instead of relying on it for everything!
Now for the fifth. EVOLUTION IS REAL! If i had a penny for everytime someone's asked me about that, i'd be loaded! Creationism again was made up in the bible, and those fuckers LIE!
Sixth (I'm getting through this shit quick, huh?). If I hear one more pile of shit about "Holy War" I will personally come down there, and kick the fuck outta each and every one of you! Just stop it! Admit the real truth which is, you want their land and money!
Seventh. Gays CAN be accepted ok, stop cowering behind me as an excuse you homophobic red-neck trash!
Eighth. Sex before marriage! No sex before marriage is more of the Bible bullshit! Hell, I had at least 10 chicks per night before I married Mrs God (that sexy lil piece of meat!!) No sex before marriage is just an excuse for all those fat old bald dudes to use!
Ninth (Getting near the end). Don't blame me for your wars and destruction. You guys made those weapons, you guys did it to each other, don't pin the shit on me! I had nothing to do with it, you guys are just self-destructive lil bastards it seems!!
Last but not least. Just to screw you pro-life people over. Each life is not granted by me, you guys are allowed to take it away, it's not sacred or holy, it's the womans choice, fuckers. Get over it.
Anyway, I gotta be off, it's wet t-shirt night down at my local. Peace out!"

After 2004 years of hearing nothing from him, this video statement took us all by storm. With drives of protestors now  burning bibles and knocking down churches, we can only feel compelled to join in as it is our "Holy Duty"

Back to you in the studio!